Helping our Kids feel Loved in Times of Stress
As a mom of 3, I am always juggling it all: house, work, school. Life has gotten very busy lately, specially when we added our new little member to the family. It was a tough year for all of us and I know you can relate as well.
My 3 kids are all 5 years apart. I have an almost 11 year old boy, a 6 year old girl & a 14 month old baby girl, and though it somehow helps having an older sibling around to help, it’s also been challenging since all 3 of them are in very different stages and they all have very different needs. While my oldest boy is interested in video games, my middle girl wants me to sit down with her an do her nails and makeup and my baby girl needs me 24/7. So it is NOT easy! I want each one of them to feel loved and special.
I am constantly fighting the “I am not enough” thoughts…
I feel that as moms, we are expected to be perfect in everything, to never be tired, to cook 3 meals a day, keep them away from electronics, plan daily activities, have a spotless house… and the list goes on. And as much as I personally strive to be the best mom posible, this is all unrealistic.
I have come to realize (after being a mom for almost 11 years now and three kids later), that it’s OK to be tired. It’s ok to need a break, it’s ok to let them know how I feel. I am only human, and so are you.
Sometimes we underestimate our kids, but they understand way more than we think they can. I have learned to be as real and transparent as possible with them when dealing with change or stressful times. l allow myself to be vulnerable and this has helped them learn how to deal with and process their emotions in healthy ways too. Creating a safe space for them to share is very important to us.
Something that helps the entire family is making sure our marriage is strong and healthy. My husband and I are constantly working on us first. This may sound odd, but we believe that in order to be great parents, we need to first have a great marriage. We’ve learned to deal and heal from our own challenges, conflicts, and insecurities, and this has helped them learn by our examples.
Looking inwards and taking inventory of my own feelings is hard and it’s something I’m constantly working on. But I am committed to become the best possible version of myself - I know that’s the best gift I can give my kids.
There’s a saying here at our home: “Tears are welcome”. It’s how we remind them that their feelings are valid when they are going through something. Feelings are there for a reason. It’s ok to share and we will always listen. We also do a “CHECK IN” which is a short conversation where we share how we feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s a conversation starter to help us be aware of what’s bothering them.
Every behavior or “misbehavior” comes from somewhere - there’s something that needs to be worked out. Having open and constant communication has been key to finding out the root to their feelings and helps us be able to support them. This has helped us learn about changes or stresses going on in their lives too.
Here are a few things that have been useful for us:
- Validate their feelings & do daily “Check Ins”
Tell them it’s OK to feel the way they feel: Angry, Happy, Sad, Excited, Scared. These are all valid feelings and they should never be ashamed of feeling the way they feel.
- Have individual dates
One-on-one time is really important especially when you have multiple kids. It doesn’t have to be an elaborated outing. You can even stay home and go out to the backyard and do a little picnic, or go on a quick stroll in the park. These little things are so very appreciated by them because they have your undivided attention and this is the perfect moment to let them share how they feel.
- Give them space to be themselves
Not all kids are talkers. Maybe this is new to them. Let them process any conversation that you have with them. Be kind, be gentle. Remember they are struggling too, Mama. They’ll come around. Don’t give up!
There are many resources out there that can help. Don’t isolate. Talk to a friend, to your partner, find an online community. You’re not meant to do this alone. reach out for help!
Also please be kind to YOURSELF. Give yourself grace. You’re doing the best you can and you’re doing it great. Take care of you. Your kids need a healthy mommy inside and out. Take one day at a time. I know this season is HARD! I know you’re exhausted, but THIS SHALL PASS.
One day you will look back and these times will be just memories. Do remember it is today that we are raising tomorrow’s strong, secure adults. Let’s you equip them with the best tools to do so!
WE GOT THIS, MAMA!
Much Love,
Mely
